


we'll be fine

by lenisseok



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cigarettes, Crying, First Kiss, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Multi, Smoking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 13:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18638797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lenisseok/pseuds/lenisseok
Summary: You should know I'll be there for youWhen the world's not perfectWhen the world's not kindIf we have each other then we'll both be fine





	we'll be fine

**Author's Note:**

> i haven't read harry potter in a hot minute, so i apologize if i got the names of some of the locations on the grounds wrong. i tried.
> 
> this has not been beta'd. all mistakes are my own

The Great Hall was bursting with chattering students. It was dinner at Hogwarts, the night before the end of another year. Students were shaking hands, embracing, and clapping one another on the backs, trying to get their goodbyes started early. At the front of the Hall sat the professors, a few looking more than a little giddy with rosy cheeks and drunken smiles. Remus was sure there was more than pumpkin juice in their goblets, but he couldn’t bring himself to laugh about it.  
  
Instead, he kept his arms crossed tightly against his chest, lowering his eyes to the table in front of him and trying to tune out the whooping students around him. Another year gone, his last year, meant going back home and facing the memories that had scarred him both mentally and physically. It meant saying goodbye to the friends sitting next to and across from him. It meant facing witches and wizards turning his back on him because of his condition. He would remain unemployed and his friends would find amazing jobs, find love and happiness. He didn’t want to dwell on the fact that they would be gone and he’d be alone to deal with the horrors of his mind - the horrors of his reality.  
  
He could feel tears of frustration stinging his eyes and hastily wiped them away, hoping it simply looked like they were irritated and not that he was losing himself in the middle of the Great Hall. Remus knew he needed to retire early, go to sleep and leave without saying anything. Goodbyes would make everything real and he couldn’t handle the dawning that this was it. His seventh and final year at Hogwarts had come to a close.  
  
His slender hands ran across the cool, thick wood of the table before he braced himself and stood, keeping his eyes averted as he threw his leg over the bench and pushed his hands into his pockets. Four pairs of eyes bored into his back as he swiftly walked out of the Hall.  
  
He’d had every intention of going back to the Gryffindor common room, but when the warm summer air hit his cheeks, Remus looked up, confused. He couldn’t even remember opening the doors to get outside, but there he was, memories of his years at Hogwarts already rushing back to him and reminding him that it  _was_  real.  
  
The trees in the Forbidden Forest swayed, creating a siren song that beckoned Remus toward them, urging him to hide out behind their thick trunks and live out the rest of his life in the darkness. Hogwarts would always be with him in that way. It was tempting, but doing so meant putting students’ lives at risk and he couldn’t do that.  
  
Remus stopped in the middle of the ground, turning in a circle slowly, taking it all in. The Whomping Willow with its tunnels leading to the Shrieking Shack where he and his friends would hide out on the nights where he revealed just how much of a monster he truly was. The Great Lake where he’d watch James and Sirius take turns jumping in, laughing and making the creatures that dwell below the surface angry. He could remember Peter clapping his hands and laughing as they did backflips into the water, proving just how much he yearned to be exactly like them. He could picture James winking at Lily who was sat in the shade with her friends who giggled at Potter who was so goofy and attractive, but she would only roll her eyes. There was always a smirk playing at the corners of her lips. She liked the attention.  
  
He could remember Sirius climbing out of the cool water and standing over him, shaking his mane of hair and soaking Remus’ book before laughing and plopping himself down next to him. He could feel Sirius’ soaking arm around his shoulders, pulling him just a little closer. He could smell the water on his skin and had the strange urge to lean forward and run his tongue over his tanned skin. But he always shook his head at those thoughts. They embarrassed him.  
  
A sad smile played at his lips and he could feel tears streaming down his cheeks as he stared at the glistening water in the moonlight. Finally, he looked up at the sliver of white in the star-strewn sky. The bane of his existence: the moon. It ruined his life.  
  
His fists clenched tightly. He could feel his nails digging into the soft flesh, the pain driving anger through his body. “I hate you,” he growled softly toward the moon. But he knew, deep down, it wasn’t the moon he was saying it to. It was  _him_ , the one that had turned him into this. “I hate you! I hate you!” he continued, voice rising and rising until he was screaming, stomping his feet on the hard ground like a child and sobbing into the humid air. The moon stayed where it was as if ignoring his cries as if telling him this is what he deserved.  
  
The ground met Remus’ knees as he collapsed, hard sobs making his chest tight and his body tremble. All too suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder, causing him to jump and choke on his next deep sob. He turned suddenly, scooting himself away from the person that had come to him and dragging his bottom along the ground.  
  
Sirius stood in front of him, looking down at him with worried eyes. James, Lily, and Peter stood close behind him, sharing his look of worry. “You okay, mate?” he asked softly.  
  
Remus rubbed under his nose with the sleeve of his robe and nodded. “Yeah. Sorry for leaving like that, I needed to be by myself.”  
  
Sirius’ eyebrows knitted together and he stood still for a moment before sitting in front of Remus, wiggling slightly to get himself comfortable before giving him a crooked smile and pulling a pack of cigarettes from the depths of his robes. He pulled a cig from the pack and put it between his lips, making quick work of lighting the end and taking a deep drag before handing it over to Remus.  
  
“Talk to me,” he said as smoke billowed out of his mouth. The others sat around the seated pair, keeping quiet but watching Remus closely.  
  
Remus took the cigarette between shaking fingers, sniffling softly and putting the filter into his mouth, taking a deep drag and letting the smoke loosen up his tight chest. He let the smoke flow from his nostrils, keeping his lips pursed and looking up at Sirius through his eyelashes. The memories from the lake came back to him like a wave and he could feel Sirius’ arm around him again, pulling him closer.  
  
He shook his head slightly to get the image out of his mind and the urge to ask Sirius to do it again, right then. Instead, he forced himself to tell his friends how he felt because that was easier than facing the fact that he may like Sirius. “We’re all going to go our separate ways after tomorrow and I’m not ready to say goodbye to any of you,” he said softly, lowering his eyes back to the grass and taking another drag from the cigarette.  
  
James snorted loudly. “Moony, d’you really think we’re all parting ways after tomorrow? That this is it?”  
  
Remus looked up, his eyes wide. “Isn’t it, though?”  
  
Lily leaned forward with a smile, her red hair creating a curtain around her face as she reached a hand forward, resting it on Remus’ knee. “We’re a close-knit group. That isn’t going to end just because we’re all leaving Hogwarts.”  
  
Fresh tears sprang to Remus’ eyes and his lip trembled as he looked deep into his friend’s green eyes, looking for any sign of a lie or prank. But he knew Lily wasn’t capable of such cruelty. He gave her a watery smile and nodded. She returned the smile as James leaned in and snatched the cigarette from between Remus’ fingers.  
  
“You’re all the best friends I’ve ever had and I can’t see us losing contact,” Peter said softly. “We’ve made so many memories and we’re going to make so many more in the future.”  
  
“Bloody hell, Wormtail, I’m swooning over here,” James exclaimed, slapping the back of his hand to his forehead and leaning heavily on Lily, who giggled softly. Remus chuckled as well as Peter’s face grew red.  
  
He looked over at Sirius who hadn’t taken his eyes off him. There was something lurking on his face that Remus couldn’t quite place. He licked his lips and looked away quickly, forcing a smile to his face. “Thanks, guys. I dunno what I was worried about.”  
  
“Hey, you’re the group worrier. We’ve come to expect it after seven years,” James said, carefully putting the filter of the cigarette into Lily’s mouth and letting her take a drag. She smiled gently at him, blowing the smoke away from the group and stealing a quick kiss from him.  
  
Sirius suddenly spoke up. “Could you guys go back inside? Remus and I will meet you in the common room.”  
  
The group went quiet, a shiver moved its way down Remus’ spine.  
  
Peter was the first to stand, followed by Lily and, after a few seconds, James. Remus could tell they didn’t know what was going on, he hadn’t a clue either, but his tone proved well enough that he was completely serious.  
  
The three moved away, leaving Remus and Sirius alone. The latter wanted nothing more than to follow him. It wasn’t that he was afraid of Sirius, he was afraid of himself. They’d hardly been alone. He, Sirius, James, Peter, and Lily had become an inseparable group and there were always at least three of them together at once, it was never just one-on-one.  
  
Remus kept his eyes on the ground, pulling up grass and letting the loose pieces thread through his fingers. He could hear Sirius light another cigarette, hear his deep exhale as the smoke left his lungs. Finally, he spoke. “There’s a lot I’ve been wanting to say to you, Remus.”  
  
He looked up and froze when his eyes met Sirius’. “Yeah?”  
  
Sirius took another drag and offered the cigarette to Remus, who shook his head. “You know about my home life. You know how my mum and, just, everyone else is. Blood status is all that matters to them and you know that I don’t agree with them. I want to get away.” He looked away and Remus could see his cheeks had gone red. The urge to run his fingers over Sirius’ warm skin was almost too great. He clenched his fists and forced himself to keep listening.  
  
“I love Wormtail, but we’re really not that close. He’s a puppy dog that needs attention and I care for him, but it’s nothing like I care for you and Prongs. He and Lily are getting a place together and I’m sure they’ll be married within the year.” He ran a hand through his long hair as if he wasn’t sure how to approach what he was going to say next. “As I said, I need to get away. James and Peter,” Remus’ breath caught when he used their friends’ real names. “They aren’t viable options. James is starting his own life and I dunno what Peter’s doing once we leave. My point is, I think we should get a place together.”  
  
Remus pulled his arms to his chest and hunched himself over. He wanted to say yes. God, he wanted to say yes so badly, but the danger he could put Sirius in held him back. His feelings for Sirius held him back. He shook his head slowly. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”  
  
He hoped Sirius would drop it, maybe be a little disappointment but ultimately leave it be. But luck had never been with Remus. “Why?”  
  
“There are reasons, but I can’t say them.”  
  
“Does your  _condition_  have something to do with those reasons?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Sirius smiled. It was small, barely pulling at the corners of his mouth. “Are you forgetting what I became to help you with that? It doesn’t have to hold you back, Remus. We could live in the countryside, away from civilians and have adventures. You don’t have to fear it.”  
  
Remus shook his head and stood quickly. “No! You don’t have to live with this curse. You aren’t a monster. Do you know how it feels to go through life knowing you could end the lives of those you love and even those you don’t even know? Innocent people!  _It_  doesn’t care, it only wants blood. You can’t possibly tell me that I shouldn’t fear it, not when I carry it with me every second of every day. Not when it’s a weight on my shoulders and on my chest.” His breathing grew heavy, panicked and his chest was growing tight again. “I don’t know what I’d do if I ever hurt you, Sirius. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself, I know that.”  
  
Sirius stood too, throwing the cigarette butt to the side and gripping Remus’ arms. His grasp was tight, but not enough to cause pain. “You are anything but a monster, Remus. You’re a good man with a good heart. Fear the beast if you want, but I don’t think you should, because fearing it lets it win. You have to fight it, you have to take precautions - but you should never fear it.” He took a step closer, closing more of the space between them and gently running his hands down Remus’ arms. “And I know you wouldn’t hurt me. I wouldn’t let you anyhow.” A smirk lightened his formerly cloudy features.  
  
The close proximity of Sirius made Remus’ heart go into overdrive. He felt his body heat up, practically scorching his forearms where his hands had come to rest. His eyes went from Sirius’ eyes to his lips and back up. His mouth opened to say something, anything but nothing came out.  
  
“What’re your other reasons, Moony?” Sirius whispered.  
  
“Wha-?” Remus asked, gulping. He was distracted and wasn’t sure he could control himself any longer. The feelings were there and he didn’t want to hide them. He was ashamed of his condition and Sirius hadn’t fully convinced him of anything, but one thing was certain, something had to be done about the feelings he’d kept bottled up for four years.  
  
The way Sirius was looking at him, his lingering touch; it made him think he might just feel the same way. It reminded him of the way James looked at Lily and, at that moment, he knew he had to take a chance, damn him if he was wrong. He lifted his head quickly, tilting his head as he closed the space between their faces, brushing his lips against Sirius’ before pulling back.  
  
Sirius gasped softly, staring at him with wide eyes and Remus was sure he’d just made a horrible mistake. But then a grin appeared on his face and suddenly their mouths were pressed together again. Sirius’ opened, his warm tongue pressing against Remus’ bottom lip. He opened his mouth, tasting Sirius. He tasted like cigarettes and pumpkin juice, and Remus didn’t want it to end.  
  
Remus wrapped his arms around the back of Sirius’ neck, pulling him closer until their chests were so pressed together it felt like they would become one if they stayed together for another second, but he didn’t have a problem with that. It was  _right_ , so very right.  
  
Eventually, Sirius broke the kiss, his breathing labored but the grin still on his face. “Finally.”  
  
“Finally?”  
  
“I’ve been dreaming about this, but you’re so good at hiding your feelings, I was never sure,” he said, lifting one of his hands and running his fingers down Remus’ face, tracing one of the deep scars as he did so. “I’ll ask one more time and whatever answer you give me, I’ll be okay with. D’you want to get a place with me?”  
  
Remus captured his bottom lip between his teeth and looked away. The fear of hurting Sirius was still there and he was sure his selfish feelings for him were getting in the way, but it was worth a shot. Nothing had gone wrong with Sirius by his side, he had to trust him. He looked back up into Sirius’ eager face and gave a hesitant smile. “Yes.”  
  
Sirius barked a laugh, pulling Remus in again and kissing his lips, cheeks, and forehead. Remus couldn’t help but laugh as well, the sadness he had felt earlier all but forgotten. “Thank you, Remus.”  
  
“For what?”  
  
“For freeing me… in more ways than one,” he said softly, resting his forehead on Remus’. Their breaths mixed together and their fingers found one another, intertwining just like the strings connecting their hearts.  
  
“You’ve done the same for me,” Remus whispered, closing his eyes and nudging his nose against Sirius’.  
  
“And I always will.”  
  
They stood together for what felt like hours, always touching in some way - forehead to forehead, lips locking, hands gripped - until the air began to grow colder as the night wore on. Remus broke away with a shiver. “We should get back to the common room. Professor McGonagall will have our heads if she catches us out here.”  
  
Sirius chuckled. “Have Prongs and I taught you nothing about taking risks?”  
  
“I’ve taken enough risks for a lifetime thanks to you two.” Remus laughed, nearly choking on a squeak when Sirius took his hand, giving a soft tug to lead him back to the castle.  
  
The events of that night almost didn’t feel real, but the feeling of Sirius’ hand holding his tight reassured him that it was. He grinned despite himself, nearly lowering his head to hide it, but then, why should he? True happiness radiated off him for the first time since the depression of the end of his time at Hogwarts had hit him. He didn’t want to hide his happiness or his brand new relationship with Sirius.  
  
Before the doors closed behind him, Remus looked back up at the moon, still smiling. It didn’t look so scary now.


End file.
